Archives for February 2013

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Parenting and Mental Health: A Tough Balancing Act

February 21, 2013 By

When it comes to parenting my kids, I say all the same things that most mothers say. Everyone has Bad Mommy Days. I’m only human. I have to take care of myself in order to take care of my children. Even when things aren’t going so well, I need to remember that I’m a good mother.

But who am I kidding, really? Like most mothers, I expect myself to be perfect at all times, and I take the concept of guilt to a whole new level. Even more so than the Catholics do.

I pile one thing after another onto my plate, and somehow I manage to keep all the balls in the air most of the time. In the event of me dropping a ball, it’s always one that pertains to my own physical or mental health. In other words, I make it a priority to take care of everyone else, but I just kind of accept that it’s OK for me to neglect myself in the process.

This does not make me special by any means. Most mothers do this, and we all know that we’re not supposed to. We all know that the world won’t end if we take a bit of time to ourselves instead of putting on that load of laundry so that Little Johnny can wear his favourite shirt to school tomorrow. But we head right on down to the washing machine anyway.

Let’s face it, this whole equation is grossly unbalanced. I mean, here I am, a mom of a kid with autism and a kid who’s just a little – you know, spirited. I work full-time, freelance on the side, help the husband with his business and take care of household finances. That’s before I even get to the laundry.

It gets really tricky when it comes to my mental health. This is a subject that I am generally not comfortable talking about, but I feel that it’s important. Many, many mothers – myself included – have to deal with the reality of coping with mental illness while being the best parents they can possibly be. And it’s hard, because as scared and vulnerable and anxious as we may feel, it is our instinct to be strong for our kids.

This week is particularly tough, and here’s why. At this week’s therapy session, me and my therapist started the process of delving into a part of my life that was, to say the least, traumatic. I was describing a specific event – not glossing over the story, but describing everything in detail, and reliving the whole mess all over again.

A process like this comes with a certain amount of psychological fallout. My nerves have been in tatters and my emotions are raw. I am not sleeping, because all of a sudden my mind is being forced to try and process stuff that I’ve been keeping buried for the last twenty years.

And I am a mom. I have kids to take care of, autism meltdowns to deal with, boo-boos to kiss better, hugs and affection to bestow.

Being a mom and dealing with mental illness are not really activities that complement one another. And when I have to choose between taking care of my kids and dealing with my issues, guess who wins every single time?

While I’m putting on a brave face for my kids, though, my feelings are still there. I am still feeling the stress, the trauma, the anxiety, and depending on the day, the depression. I am still staying awake until late at night because I’m afraid to go to sleep and face the nightmares.

But I do what I have to do for my kids, because no matter what weirdness is going on inside my own head, parenting will always be the most important thing I ever do.

I know that I am not alone. I know that there are other moms out there who live with mental illness. I would love to hear from those moms, to find out if – and how – they keep things balanced.

(Photo credit: darcyadelaide. This picture has a creative commons attribution license.)

Filed Under: Depression, Mental Illness, parenting Tagged With: , , , , ,
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Book Review: I Run, Therefore I Am STILL Nuts!

February 16, 2013 By

My sports medicine doctor once told me that runners are his least favourite patients.

“It’s nothing personal,” he was quick to add. “It’s just that rehabbing you people after an injury is impossible. You never listen to instructions, you just go out and run long before you’re ready to, and then you’re back here ten days later wondering why your injury has flared up.”

I have to admit that my doctor has a point. We have a very special kind of dedication to our sport, runners do. If our training program calls for a 20km run, then we will do a 20km run, even if the Weather Network is warning motorists not to go out because of a blizzard. We take pride in the incredulous looks we get from people when we go out in mad conditions, we wear our black toenails like badges of honour, and we are slaves to our Garmin watches.

If you can relate to this, you will love Bob Schwartz’s hilarious book, I Run, Therefore I Am STILL Nuts! The author writes about his experiences as a runner, from injuries to races, from trying to force encourage his kids to run with him to giving in and getting a dog instead. All through this book, I was nodding along knowingly and gaining little insights into the slight insanity that the partners of runners have to live with. I’m sure my husband appreciates the new-found awe with which I regard him.

You don’t even have to be a runner to appreciate this book. If you live with a runner, know a runner, or simply get frustrated with races messing up the traffic where you live, you are sure to get a kick out of reading this. The easy reading and laugh-out-loud humour are supplemented with delightfully funny artwork by B.K. Taylor.

Runners and supporters alike will get more than a good laugh out of reading this. Interspersed among the humour are little snippets of wisdom. Thanks to the book, I now know how I might be able to achieve the all-important Runner’s High if an injury prevents me from running. I have a new appreciation for the sheer simplicity of running, and for the first time I realize that runners are more than a little obsessed with the concept of time.

I also take pride in the fact that I am part of a tribe that can claim to be truly nuts.

(Review copy and image of cover kindly provided by Human Kinetics).
Filed Under: B.K. Taylor, Bob Schwartz, Book review, Human Kinetics, Therefore I Am Still Nuts Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
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Oscar Pistorius: The Story We Don’t Know

February 14, 2013 By

As the parent of a child with a disability, I am always inspired by people who overcome all kinds of odds to accomplish amazing things. We need something to hold onto, us special needs parents. Specifically, we need hope. We need to know that given the right opportunities and encouragement, our kids have the potential to succeed. We don’t expect them to win the Nobel Prize or win gold medals at the Olympics, but we want to know that they have it in them to lead happy and productive lives.

When a South African athlete by the name of Oscar Pistorius became the first disabled man to compete in both the regular Olympics and the Paralympics in London last year, I was awestruck. Dubbed as the fastest man on no legs, Pistorius has been breaking world records left, right and centre.

I have been very vocal in my admiration for this man. As a runner, I am impressed with his sheer athletic talent. As a human being, I have been inspired by his spirit, and his nothing-can-stop-me attitude. I’ve never had a sense of him feeling sorry for himself. Instead, he’s just accepted the fact that he doesn’t have legs, and he’s kind of gotten on with things.

I have placed him on a pedestal and regarded him as a kind of hero.

This morning, I woke up to the shocking news that Pistorius has been arrested, and faces a murder charge in connection with the shooting death of his girlfriend, model Reeva Steenkamp. The incident happened in his house at about three in the morning. Neighbours heard screaming and shouting followed by gunshots. The couple were the only people in the house at the time, and Pistorius is the registered owner of the gun that was used to kill his girlfriend.

Around the world, companies are trying to decide how to manage their professional relationships with Pistorius. Some are pulling ads featuring the athlete; others are adopting a wait-and-see attitude. Public reactions are all over the map. Some say this tragedy was a terrible accident, while others are referring to Pistorius as a cold-blooded killer. Distressingly, some tasteless jokes – yes, jokes in the wake of this terrible incident – are circulating on the Internet.

And what of bloggers like myself? Over the last few months, I have posted several things in support of Oscar Pistorius, not only here on my blog, but on my Facebook page and my Twitter feed. I received an email from a reader today asking if I intended to remove those postings or speak out against what Pistorius did.

My answer, quite simply, is that I don’t know what Pistorius did. I’m not even willing to venture a guess or express an opinion – not until more is known about what happened. I do not intend to glorify him and insist that he couldn’t have willfully murdered the deceased, nor am I going to demonize him and say he must have done it. I just don’t know. None of us do, and I am not willing to join those who are already starting to try him in the court of public opinion.

Like some of those international companies, I am going to follow this story as closely as I can, and I am going to just wait and see.

(Photo credit: Nick J Webb. This picture has a creative commons attribution license.)

Filed Under: Disability, Oscar Pistorius, Reeva Steenkamp, running Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,
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The Liebster Award – Questions and Answers

February 10, 2013 By

The two wonderful ladies who nominated me for the Liebster Award each gave me eleven questions to answer. I didn’t want to include my answers in yesterday’s post, because that was already running to over 900 words.

Here are the questions Maya asked me, along with my answers.

1. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? My difficulty with food. I have some long-standing body image issues and a very uncomfortable relationship with food. I have tried countless ways to permanently fix my eating habits, and I have finally come to the conclusion that this might be something I have to take up with my therapist.

2. High heels, sneakers or flip flops? Sneakers!

3. The beach, the city or the mountain? The beach. I love the energy of the sea along with the hot sun.

4. Who is your favourite singer/group? I enjoy many artists, but the one I always come back to is Queen. When Freddie Mercury died, the world lost a man with phenomenal talent.

5. If you could vacation anywhere (cost is not a consideration), where would you go and why? South Africa. I’d have a good long vacation there to see my mom and brother, and other family members and friends. And I’d get my fix of hot sunshine and Highveld storms.

6. Do you mind that my blog is sometimes snarky? Nope. I can handle snark as long as it’s honest.

7. What is the one thing we would be surprised to know about you? My job involves a lot of interaction and a certain amount of conflict (all very professional, of course), and I find this incredibly difficult because I have social anxiety issues.

8. Favourite guilty-pleasure TV show? Friends. Last time I had to take sick days from work, I hunkered down in the front of the TV with my Friends DVD set.

9. Favourite book or author? This may sound really lame, but I absolutely love Dr. Seuss – even at my age. I love the rhythm of his books, and his quotes are the absolute best.

10. Do you admit to having a favourite child? No, but when they’re misbehaving, they do conveniently become my husband’s kids.

11. If you could replace your life with one from the Disney Channel, which show would you pick? I don’t know what’s on the Disney Channel, but I wouldn’t mind being the guy in Blues Clues for a day. I’d have a good long conversation with that talking mailbox. But only for a day. I wouldn’t be able to handle the psychedelic world for longer than that.

And here are the questions that Phaedra asked me, along with my answers.

1. Speed work. Love it or loathe it? Love it. It can definitely be painful, but I love having a specific goal for my runs, and the feeling of accomplishment at the end is great.

2. How did you get into running? The first time round, it was part of a quest to quit smoking and get healthy. The second time, I was (and still am) motivated by the opportunity to raise funds for kids with autism.

3. What is your one guilty pleasure? Most evenings, when the kids are in bed, I sip on a glass of wine while winding down from my busy day.

4. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why? I’m pretty happy where I am, to be honest. I love Toronto, and although waiting lists do my head in sometimes, autism services in Ontario are pretty good.

5. Do you have a bucket list? If so, what’s #1 on it? Yes, I do have a bucket list. The #1 item is to run the Cape Town Marathon. I only want to do one full marathon, and that one is it.

6. What piece of gear could you not live without? Hands-down, this has to be my Garmin training watch.

7. Do you have a bad habit you want to break? I’m always too rushed (or too lazy, let’s be honest) to put on Bodyglide before heading out for my long runs. As a result, my oversized boobs get shredded to ribbons from the chafing.

8. What is your go-to pre-race meal? Two slices of whole-grain toast with peanut butter, and a good-sized cup of coffee.

9. Do you prefer to run in cold or the heat? I’ll run in just about anything, but I do love summer running. The only weather condition that I absolutely loathe running in is strong wind.

10. What do you love about running? I have figured out what duration and intensity it takes for me to achieve the Runners High, and it’s always worth it. The big thing for me – and the thing that keeps me motivated during runs that are not going well – is the feeling of accomplishment at the end.

11. Are you a solo runner or do you run with a group? I always run by myself, mostly because my schedule doesn’t really allow me to run with other people. I like running alone, but company would be nice on the occasional run.

Now, I get to make up eleven questions for the people I have nominated. Here’s what I would like to know.

1. How much time do you spend on the Internet each day (no judgment, I promise!)

2. What is the dumbest thing you ever did?

3. What is the smartest thing you ever did?

4. If you had to entrust one person with a winning lottery ticket, who would it be?

5. What is your earliest childhood memory?

6. What one thing (if anything) would you change about your physical appearance?

7. When did you last hand-write a letter to someone?

8. Have you ever had a falling-out with your best friend, and did you make it up?

9. If you could have any job in the world (regardless of qualifications needed), what would it be?

10. BlackBerry, Android or iPhone?

11. If you could have dinner with any famous person, living or dead, who would it be and why?

Filed Under: Liebster Award, Questions Tagged With: , , ,
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The Liebster Award

February 9, 2013 By

From time to time, I read blog posts in which the authors say that they write for themselves, and that they’re not too concerned with how other people view their writing. I may have even said something along those lines myself at some stage. But who am I kidding? I do write primarily for the psychological benefit it brings to me, but of course I care about what other people think. As a writer, I like to have an audience, and I want that audience to like me. I want them to be able to identify in some way with what I’m saying, and I want them to come back.

And so when I get evidence that people like my blog, that makes me happy. Like when not one, but two fellow bloggers bestow a Liebster Award upon me (I’ll explain in a bit). Or when a popular Canadian website aimed at women features me in a write-up about inspiring mom bloggers.

It is so cool – and such an honour – that in these busy times, there are people who not only read what I have to say, but take the time to tell others about my blog. I am immensely grateful to Sheelagh from SheKnows Canada for featuring me in her article, and I am grateful to Maya (Musings of a Marfan Mom) and Phaedra (Blisters and Black Toenails) for the Liebster Award.

The Liebster Award is a very neat thing that bloggers do for each other. When you receive the award, you acknowledge the person who gave it to you, and then pass it on to seven other bloggers that you love. It’s a way for bloggers to give each other a shout-out.

My nominees – in no particular order – are as follows:

1. Sweet B’s Blog: This blog is written by my friend Margie who is awesome. There’s no other way of putting it. She did not post very often last year, but that’s only because she was working towards a Bachelors degree while working full-time and raising two busy boys.

2. Blog By The Phoenix: Authored by another friend of mine who will remain unidentified to protect her privacy, there is a lot of bravery here. It’s a fairly new blog, and health concerns have limited my friend’s ability to post as often as she’d like, but it’s well worth a read.

3. Kloppenmum: Karyn lives in New Zealand, enjoys coffee by day and wine by night, and is an awesome mom. She offers some keen insights into the minds of children, and what we as parents can do to bring out the best in our kids.

4. Beautiful Side of Hectic: I met Cheryl at Blissdom Canada last year, and we spent a bit of time swapping special needs parenting war stories. Cheryl is the mom of two girls, one of whom has Cerebral Palsy. Her blog offers us glimpses into her life and also includes some giveaways.

5. Nolie’s Place: Nolie is a military wife (and I am SO grateful to her and her husband for what they do) and mom to two boys. She writes about whatever happens to be on her mind, and she ALSO hosts some awesome giveaways. I roomed with her at Blissdom Canada and had an absolutely delightful time.

6. Behindhersmile’s Blog: Michelle is a former co-worker, former carpool partner and definitely-not-former friend. She proactively tries to educate people about healthy eating, to encourage us to set a good example for our kids.

7. Olordyimforty!! SarahJeanne has three things in common with me. She is an autism mom, she runs to raise funds for autism, AND one of her kids was born on Christmas Day. Besides, how can you not love a blog that has exclamation points in its name?

The next thing I’m supposed to do as part of receiving the Liebster Award is tell you eleven random things about myself.

1. I have a Bachelors degree in psychology, and I’ve just started post-graduate studies in writing.

2. One day when I was about four, I pulled out all my hair and ate it. No-one knows why.

3. I’m afraid of spiders, ladders and the Bloor Viaduct (when the subway goes over it you look down and see very little between you and the river below).

4. I cannot use a can opener (unless it’s electric). My excuse is that I’m a left-handed person in a right-handed can-opener world.

5. Someday I want to take a trip up to the northernmost part of Canada to see the Northern Lights.

6. When I was working on a farm in Israel, I discovered that I am severely allergic to mangoes.

7. I started blogging because of my friend Tim, who recognized that I needed a place of my own to talk about the challenges of autism parenting. Tim, sadly, is no longer with us, but a piece of him will always be in this blog.

8. I was born in South Africa and have lived in several countries. I have been in Canada since August, 2000.

9. I was proposed to about five minutes after I became a Canadian citizen.

10. My first car was an ancient Renault that I named Clare De Lune. That car took me through my student days and well into my 20’s. I eventually sold it, and as far as I know it’s still on the road.

11. I don’t have much of a sweet tooth, but I’ll always cave at the sight of cheesecake. Every. Single. Time.

There’s one more thing I have to do for the Liebster Award. Check back tomorrow for a question-and-answer session!

Filed Under: blogging, Liebster Award, Random Facts, She Knows Canada Tagged With: , , , , , ,
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Autism and Bedtime: 11 Steps For Not Going Completely Insane

February 2, 2013 By

 

The Hyperactive Neurotypical Child

Since the beginning of time, when Adam and Eve got talked into eating an apple by a psychotic snake, women – and to a lesser extent, men – have been pondering the same question. It is a question that crosses all geographic, ethnic, cultural and religious boundaries, one that unites mothers in a way that nothing else can.

How am I going to get this child to sleep?

When there’s a child with autism in the family, that question crops up with frightening regularity. It becomes an automatic response to just about everything. Here’s a typical conversation between husband and wife while the kid with autism bounces on the ceiling like a yo-yo:

Husband: What should we have for dinner tonight?

Wife: How am I going to get this child to sleep?

Husband: Ummm. I don’t know. So, dinner. What do you think? Chinese takeout?

Wife: Sure, sure. How am I —

Husband: Do you want chop suey or chow mein?

Wife (sobbing): How am I going to get this child to slee-eee-eeeeeep?

Husband (fumbling awkwardly with takeout menu): OK, I’ll just order something.

For you autism parents who are feeling a little desperate, I offer you my Bedtime Survival Tips.

1) Make sure you have wine. You won’t need it for the bedtime ordeal itself, but it will a great reward for you to give yourself if when the kids get to sleep.

2) About two hours before bedtime, sweetly ask the fruits of your loins to put on their pajamas. You’ll have to ask both of them about a gazillion times before they comply, so the more lead time you give yourself, the better.

3) An hour before bedtime, calmly talk to the Hyperactive Neurotypical Child and ask him to put on his pajamas. If When he argues on the grounds that his brother doesn’t have pajamas on, explain to him that you need him to lead by example. Bribe him with a donut.

4) Send your husband out to buy donuts.

5) Repeatedly tell the Autie to put on his pajamas, with your voice gradually increasing in pitch and panic. Right before you hit your breaking point, sob with relief when you hear your husband return with the donuts. Armed with your confectionary currency, coax your kids into their pajamas and then give them their reward. Fail to care when they wipe their gooey hands all over the fronts of their nice clean pajamas.

6) Sergeant-Major the kids into the bathroom one at a time to pee and brush their teeth. Do the Autie first. If you do the Hyperactive Neurotypical Child first, the Autie will head for the hills and you won’t see him until next Christmas.

7) Get the kids their bedtime milk. Remember to break a Melatonin capsule into the Autie’s milk, otherwise he will spend the entire night gleefully and vigourously rubbing the top of your head.

8) Channel the days when you used to herd cats and get your kids moving in the general direction of their rooms. Naively believe the Hyperactive Neurotypical Child when he says he’ll quietly try to go to sleep.

9) Kiss the little darlings goodnight and retreat into the living room. If When one of them makes a sudden appearance by your side, calmly shepherd them back to bed.

10) Repeat Step Nine 84 times.

11) When there has not been any activity for three geological eras, you can safely assume that the kids are asleep. Pour some of the wine from Step One into a glass and drink. If you’re feeling really frazzled, cut out the middleman and just drink straight from the bottle.

(Photo credit: Kirsten Doyle)

Filed Under: autism, Bedtime, Children, Humour, parenting Tagged With: , , , , , , ,