Archives for January 2014

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My Life According To Cars

 

The men in my life with the Soccer Mom car

The men in my life with the Soccer Mom car

In 26 years of driving, I have had five vehicles, and each of them has represented a different phase of my life.

My first car was a clapped out old Renault. It took me through my young-and-stupid student years and the first few years of my working life. It wasn’t sleek and shiny like some of my friends’ cars, but it had a great deal of character and it was surprisingly reliable for such an old car. Its decline coincided with the retirement of my mechanic: when his replacement took over, my car started leaving the repair shop with new problems. When I made it onto the afternoon traffic report for blocking a lane of a major road, I decided to sell the car. A co-worker purchased it, fully aware of all of the problems, and restored it. As far as I know, it’s still on the road.

With the Renault gone, I bought my first brand new car – a sexy, bright red Opel Corsa. That was my Single Working Girl car, purchased when I was earning a good salary but had only myself and a cat to take care of. It was the car of someone who is a professional, but who is still young enough to be a little bit adventurous. When I left the country in 2000, my parents bought the car from me. They eventually sold it to a family friend, who is still zooming around in it.

When I came to Canada, I got the Desperate Newcomer car. What I really wanted was to buy a new Pontiac that I had seen, but the dealership wouldn’t sell it to me because I hadn’t been in the country long enough to establish a credit rating. I needed a car, but no-one, it seemed, was willing to sell me one. It didn’t matter that I had a good salary and no debt. Apparently, that somehow made me more of a risk. Eventually, I found a dealer who was willing to lease me a Chevrolet Cavalier. It was an OK car, but I was a little peeved that I had to just take what I could get instead of being able to choose.

The lease on the Chev expired when George was about a month old. When I returned it to the dealership, I discovered that the dealer had actually given me a very raw deal. It wasn’t really surprising – as a newcomer to Canada with no social support system, I had been a very easy target. It meant that I had to pay the dealer a lot of money when I returned the car (and yes, buying it at that point would have been prohibitively expensive). Because of that and the fact that I was living on maternity leave benefits (translation: half of my regular salary), I had no money to put into a new car.

My mother-in-law came to the rescue by giving me the old Dodge van that had belonged to my father-in-law. He had been dead for seven months, so he no longer needed it. The thing was just sitting in the garage. I accepted the car gratefully, knowing that it was on its last legs. It got me from A to B, and since I was on maternity leave, I didn’t have to worry about whether it would survive daily commutes of an hour each way.

That was my New Mom car, and although I only drove it for a few months, I have many happy memories of it. I liked the idea of driving my father-in-law’s car. I had been very close to him, and felt that he would approve of me using his car. Almost every day, I would buckle my new baby into his infant carrier, and we would go off in the van to the mall, the bookstore, the coffee shop, or a park. I had some wonderful bonding time with him, and the old Dodge had a big part in that.

About two months before George’s first birthday, the Dodge shuffled off whatever mortal coil a car can possibly have, and I had to buy another vehicle. My husband and I looked at several used cars, and picked out a Chevy Venture van that was just a few months old and had only been used for demo purposes. Getting a minivan launched me into the Soccer Mom category. It doesn’t matter that I got the van when my son wasn’t old enough to walk, let alone kick a ball. If you’re a mom and you have a minivan, you are a Soccer Mom.

We still have the Soccer Mom van, and it  has seen us through ten years of family life. Since getting it, the size of our family has grown by one. Kids have graduated from infant carriers to baby seats to high-back boosters to bum-only boosters to no boosters. We have driven our children to daycare, to Kindergarten and to grade school. We have taken business trips and gone on vacations, and covered many, many miles.

The Soccer Mom van is now a Soccer Mom rust bucket. One of the doors sticks when you open it, and neither of the front windows will open. Bits and pieces keep having to be replaced to keep the thing going, and the time is coming when we will have no choice but to replace the entire car. We will have to start seeing who has a good – and cheap – car for sale.

Our next car will the the Fraught Mom-Of-Teens car. Whatever make, model and colour we get, it will see us through more of the exciting journey of family life.

This is an original post by Kirsten Doyle, published in accordance with my disclosure policy. Photo credit to the author.

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10 Things I Have Learned About Mental Illness

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1. It’s not my fault. As much as we humans like to be in control of our lives, the likes of depression, anxiety and PTSD are not things we can control. They happen to us, and we deal with them as best we can.

2. It has absolutely no bearing on whether I am a good or a bad person. The fact that I made some bad decisions twenty years ago that triggered a whole mess of crap does not mean I don’t deserve to be happy and well.

3. The fact that an illness exists inside a person’s mind rather than in another part of their body does not make it any less of an illness. Mental illness should be given the same respect as physical illness.

4. Mental illness can, if left untreated, be fatal. Suicide and suicidal ideations are not selfish, as many people believe. They are manifestations of an illness. People contemplating suicide do not necessarily want to die, they simply feel that there is no other course of action available to them.

5. Depression is not the same as sadness. Being depressed is like being in a black pit of despair from which there seems to be no escape.

6. There is not always a reason for depression. If someone tells you that they are experiencing depression, please, please, please don’t say things like, “But you have so many great things in your life to be grateful for.”

7. I am not alone. Although my specific circumstances may be unique to me, I don’t have to look far to find someone who more or less understands what it’s like.

8. Far too many people either die or spend their lives in a state of absolute anguish because they fear the stigma of mental illness, so they choose not to talk about it.

9. Mental illness is the same as physical illness in terms of treatment: what works for one person won’t necessarily work for everyone. You have the right to make choices about your treatment, just as you do for a physical illness.

10. People with mental illnesses can, for the most part and with the right support, function well in society. They can be successful in their careers, make valuable social and economic contributions, and maintain healthy relationships with the people around them.

This is an original post by Kirsten Doyle. Photo credit: Bell Let’s Talk.

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Autism In The Workplace: Opportunity Vs. Discrimination

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As I was scrolling down my Facebook newsfeed this morning, I came across a picture of a bunch of people, with a caption saying, “Share if you believe in autism acceptance”. If you click on the link that comes with the picture, you are taken to an online pledge entitled “Hire Employees On The Autism Spectrum”. The blurb points out that individuals with autism often have exceptional talents and ways of thinking, and can therefore be a valuable addition to any workplace. Then there is an online form where you fill in your name in order to sign the petition.

I believe that the intentions behind this are fabulous. Too many times, I see people being excluded from activities and opportunities simply because they have autism. It starts early in life, with kids not being invited to birthday parties or included in games (whether the child chooses to participate is another story – my point here is that it would be nice for them to at least be asked). As the child grows older, I am sure that exclusion extends to teenage activities, educational opportunities, and eventually, the workplace. I am all for taking steps to ensure that people with autism are given equal opportunities, and accommodations where needed.

But…

Do we want a situation where employers are actively seeking out and hiring people with autism, simply because they have autism?

My son George is a whiz with numbers, although I suspect that this has less to do with autism than with simple genetics. My husband and I are both good with numbers, and so is my younger son James. We are a family of math geeks. And like me, George is good with computers. His autism definitely gives him a unique way of thinking and fantastic attention to detail in certain tasks. I see him growing up to be some kind of computer nerd – a programmer, maybe, or someone who actually puts computers together.

I would love to see some employer recognise his skills, see the value that he could add, and hire him. But I wouldn’t want his autism to be a factor in that decision. If he’s the best qualified candidate for the position, he should get the job. If someone else is better qualified to do the job, that person should be hired. Maybe George will need some accommodations during the interview and selection process. Maybe the hiring manager will have to use some creative thinking or some kind of quantifiable measure to choose the right candidate. Maybe, if George is the one selected, some workplace accommodations will need to be set up for him.

But I strongly believe that employment selections should be based on qualifications and ability to do the job, and not on whether or not the person has autism. If George’s co-workers one day say things like, “Wow, that autistic dude is awesome at what he does”, I would be completely fine with that. If, on the other hand, they say, “Yeah, George is good at his job, but he was only hired because of his autism”, that would make me sad.

I believe the hiring process should be fair, but it has to be fair to everyone. Hiring someone because of what disability he or she might have is unfair to the individual, and it’s unfair to other people.

There is a place for the online pledge that I described earlier, but I think it should be differently worded. Instead of urging employers to “hire people with autism”, the call should be for employers to give people with autism an equal chance.

What do you think? Is a drive to employ people with autism a good thing, or is it a form of discrimination that could be unfair to everyone?

This is an original post by Kirsten Doyle. Photo credit: Kanemojo. This picture has a creative commons attribution license.

 

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My Baby Forever

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Sometimes, I look at my older son George and lament the fact that he is growing up so quickly. He is ten now, and he has grown too big to sit on my lap. He is the same height as my mother-in-law and he has outgrown four pairs of shoes in the last year. The most scary thing of all is that he has started to show signs of early puberty. Before I know it, I will be dealing with the mysterious combination of autism and adolescence. He is going to keep getting taller and stronger, his voice will deepen, and he will get old enough to shave.

But then I have mornings like today. I always wake up earlier than anyone else, curl up on the couch with coffee and my phone, and have some quiet time to myself. I check my emails, see what’s happening on Facebook, maybe play games for a while. It’s my way of gently easing myself into the day before the the rest of the world wakes up.

This morning I was playing a few Words With Friends moves when George came padding into the room. He flopped down on the couch beside me and draped his lanky arms around my neck for hug as he rested his head on my shoulder. We sat like that for a few minutes, just the two of us in our own little universe, and then he lay down on one end of the couch, appropriating the blanket that I had been using.

I looked over at my boy, at his hair that was all mussed-up and his face that was puffy from sleep, and he gave me a gentle smile. In that moment, he looked young and vulnerable.

And I realised that no matter how old and big he gets,  he will always be my baby.

This is an original post by Kirsten Doyle. Photo credit to the author.

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Merry Christmas And Happy Birthday

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Once upon a time, on Christmas Day, a child was born.

No, this is not a story about Jesus. Apparently, historians haven’t been able to determine exactly when Jesus was born. We just celebrate his birth on Christmas Day because it was a popular day for pagan celebrations.

The baby in my story, who was actually born on Christmas Day, is none other than my younger son James. After keeping me waiting for more than a week past his due date, he came flying out like a cannonball eight Christmases ago, and he hasn’t stopped since. Maybe he can’t walk on water or turn water into wine, but he has definitely added a special kind of energy and excitement to my life.

He has also made birthday celebrations a little challenging, simply because of the day on which he chose to make his very loud arrival. On the one hand, we feel that we need to separate his birthday from Christmas, so that his birthday can get the attention it deserves. On the other hand, we want to celebrate his birthday on the actual day of his birthday.

Over the years, we’ve gotten better and better at this birthday-on-Christmas thing. We divide Christmas Day in half and do Christmas stuff in the morning. Then we have lunch, and from that point the rest of the day is devoted to James’s birthday. We give him birthday presents and have cake, just the four of us.

The full-on birthday parties that include James’s friends have, until now, happened in early December. This year, I decided to change the formula and have the party in January, after the actual birthday. And that is how, three days ago, I had a house full of energetic boys.

The party was a resounding success. For most things, I took the easy way out: pizza and chips for lunch, and disposable dishes so I wouldn’t have to spend all night washing up. I invited the kids’ respite worker – a 17-year-old boy who the kids absolutely adore – to come and run the activities. I got a pinata and some prizes, and goodie bags for all of the guests.

As I do every year, I worked very hard on the cake. For both of the boys, I do theme cakes based on whatever they are into. George has had Bob the Builder, Mr. Potato Head and Spongebob Squarepants. James has had Thomas the Train, Lightning McQueen and Ben Ten. This time round, it was a Beyblade cake. I was up until midnight the night before the party, mixing icing of different colours and meticulously drawing out the design on the cake. I looked like a mad scientist, with my hair all wild and bowls of red and blue and grey icing surrounding me.

The end result was pretty much what you would expect from someone who knows squat about decorating cakes, but I was pleased with it. More important, James’s face lit up in delight when he saw it, and his friends were saying Oooooooooh! and Cool! The cake was clearly and instantly recognisable as a Beyblade cake, and that was really all that mattered to me.

That and the fact that the kids had an amazing time. We had just the right number of kids, and the activities flowed at just the right pace. Even George, whose autism frequently makes him retreat from things like this, was happy to be among all of the kids, even if he didn’t actively participate in a lot of the proceedings.

The birthday boy was happy, and he felt that he got the birthday he deserved.

This is an original post by Kirsten Doyle. Photo credit to the author.

 

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Around The Bay 30K: Training Week 1

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Today was supposed to be a rest day, but I figured that since the weather forecast was calling for minus a gazillion degrees on Tuesday, I would run on Monday anyway. With the roads being impossible to run on, I gritted my teeth and headed for the gym for what was supposed to be a 6K tempo run. I only managed 5K: I had not run for an entire month, and I was getting over a cold. I wasn’t all broke up about the lost kilometre. In the grand scheme of things it’s really not going to matter. What’s more important is that I ran.

What I was supposed to do: Rest
What I did: 5K in 30:21
How I felt: Like I’d been kicked in the rear-end by a pissed-off buffalo

 

Tuesday

Today Environment Canada warned that anyone going outside could start to feel the effects of hypothermia within ten minutes. We didn’t even send the kids to school, partly because the school buses were canceled. Fortunately I did today’s run yesterday – not only was it impossible to run outside, it wasn’t even possible to navigate the icy roads in order to get to the gym.

What I was supposed to do: 6K tempo run
What I did: Rest
How I felt: Cold – even the central heating wasn’t enough to ward off the chill

 

Wednesday

I hate days like this. Things were more normal – the kids went to school and we ventured out of the house – but all of this staying indoors because of the weather has thrown off my schedule. Being holed up in the house has made me run short of groceries and fall behind on errands, so I didn’t have time to go to the gym today. Boo-hiss.

What I was supposed to do: Stationary bike and weights
What I did: Sweet eff-all. At least where exercise is concerned
How I felt: Guilty. Probably a throwback to my Catholic school education.

 

Thursday

I was frantically busy today. My son’s birthday party is on Saturday, and as usual I have left everything to the 99th hour. By now I was supposed to have everything purchased and the cake made and ready for icing. I haven’t bought a single thing, including the cake ingredients. But my training runs are not going to do themselves, so I forced myself to include a trip to the gym in my jam-packed day. Another run on the treadmill – there is still too much ice to be safe, and I am kind of partial to having all of my bones intact.

What I was supposed to do: 5K easy run
What I did: 5K run on the treadmill – quite an intense one
How I felt: Much better, although my calf muscles felt appropriately tight after the workout.

 

Friday

Today’s trip to the gym wasn’t going to happen, not with this birthday party tomorrow. I made the cake, assembled gift bags, organized prizes, bought a pinata. I told myself that I would find time for my workout, but that was never a realistic prospect.

What I was supposed to do: Treadmill warmup and weights
What I did: Nothing exercise-related, unless you count running around like a chicken without a head.
How I felt: A little panicky. Missing workouts does that to me.

 

Saturday

Designated rest day today, although since I missed yesterday’s workout, that doesn’t really mean anything. Hosting a tribe of hyperactive eight-year-olds feels like the most exhausting workout in the world, though. It was a bloody marvelous day that I will write about later in the week.

What I was supposed to do: Rest
What I did: I didn’t exercise, but I definitely didn’t rest
How I felt: Exhausted

 

Sunday

Yesterday was a lot warmer. The temperature managed to claw its way up to plus seven degrees Celsius. I had high hopes that this would thaw the ice enough to allow an outdoor run, but that wasn’t to be. A lot of the ice did melt, but there was so much to begin with that there are still sheets of it all over the place. If anything, an outdoor run is even more impossible: now I would be combining skating with puddle jumping – not a good combination. I had no choice but to head to the gym again, and to grit my teeth for 14K on the treadmill. That is a long time to spend on a lab rat machine, and I came very close to giving up several times after I hit the 10K mark. But by breaking it up into tiny little chunks, I got through it. This was an excellent test of my mental strength.

What I was supposed to do: 14K
What I did: 14.37K in ninety minutes
How I felt: The fact that I actually saw this run through to completion made me feel awesome. So Week One is in the bag. I missed a couple of workouts but I got in all of my scheduled runs. Hopefully Week Two will see some outdoor action.

This is an original post by Kirsten Doyle. Photo credit to the author.

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Running Into Unknown Territory

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86 days from now, I will be lining up at the start of North America’s oldest road race, the Around The Bay 30K. This event represents my biggest running challenge to date. Up until now, I have been a half-marathon specialist, and recently I started feeling the need to stretch my boundaries a little. I’m not ready for a full marathon, but I began thinking that I might be able to add 9K to my longest distance.

All it takes is the determination to get out and train, right?

That shouldn’t be a problem. It doesn’t matter that it’s middle of the coldest winter I’ve ever experienced, that there is a two-inch thick sheet of ice on the sidewalks or that until the ice storm debris has been cleared, any running I do outdoors will involve hopping over the limbs of fallen trees. It doesn’t matter that I will have to reduce my already-scant sleep in order to get up early to run. It’s not an issue – surely not – that I haven’t actually run at all for a month because of a cold that knocked me right off my feet. And the fact that I’m starting off this year’s season with the longest race I’ve ever done really isn’t a big deal.

I can do this.

Right?

Looks around, waiting for nods of agreement.

To tell the truth, I am a little freaked out. I have a history of touch-and-go training early in the year, and I am entering new territory. I mean, if I wanted to do a 30K race, why couldn’t I register for the one that happens in the same city I live in, right in the middle of the season when I’m in my groove? Why did I have to dive into an out-of-town race right after a winter of inactivity?

I recently read a post on my Facebook newsfeed that said something like, “If a goal doesn’t scare you, it’s not big enough.” If that’s the criterion, then this goal is definitely a worthy one. The thing is, I’m a goal-oriented person, which is why I enter so many races every year. I always have to feel as if I’m training for something, otherwise there is the temptation to skip out on runs or cut them short. When every run counts, I’m a lot more focused and dedicated. That’s why I absolutely believe that I will succeed at the Around The Bay 30K.

And by “succeed”, I mean “cross the finish line”. I’m not sure that I will be aiming for a specific time goal. All I really want to do at this point is complete the distance and get my medal and post-race banana. For a week post-race I will spend weird amounts of time lying on the couch eating cheesecake, and then I will pick myself up and start training for the next big thing (the Goodlife Toronto half-marathon in May, in case you’re interested).

My training for Around The Bay starts on Monday. Conveniently for me, it starts with a rest day. I am planning on using my rest day to get my fridge ramped up for clean eating, and on Tuesday I will put my running shoes onto my very restless feet and head out for a tempo run.

I am afraid of this lofty goal that I’ve set for myself, but I am excited. Let the sweating begin!

This is an original post by Kirsten Doyle. Photo credit to the author.

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2013: Magic Moments From Around The World

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2013 was not a good year for me. After a reasonable enough start, I lost my job in May, at around the same time one of my best friends passed away. Throughout the summer I fought an uphill battle with depression as life dealt me one blow after another. Fortunately, though, I am a natural optimist. I go through life with the attitude that no matter how bad things are, they will always get better, and there is always something for me to be thankful for. I have my husband and children, a roof over my head, clean running water and autism services for my son. That alone puts me way ahead of many people in the world.

Among all of the loss and heartbreak, there have been some shining moments this year. I had a very enjoyable and much-needed break in Niagara Falls with my family, I ran a half-marathon personal best for my autism run, and after years of procrastination I wrote a book in thirty days.

I posted a message on Facebook asking people to share their best moments from 2013, and I got some great responses. There was a lot of joy going around this year.

My friend Patti, for instance, has been dreaming of going to Europe for a long, long time. This year, she finally got to go.

Margie, who never fails to inspire me with how spectacularly she has turned her life around over the last few years, got married to the love of her life.

In January, Debbie from South Africa became a Grandma! She has also been rethinking her attitude to life by surrounding herself with inspirational people, things and activities.

One of my favourite responses came from liver transplant recipient Bill. He says, “I am alive. Every day above ground is a good day. Everything else is just icing on the cake.”

Noella sent one of my other favourite responses. She lost her beloved husband to cancer – a scary and sad time for her – and yet she is focused on how her needs have been met to the extent that she can help others. Here is what she says: “I am amazed at the outpouring of love and help from my local and internet community. I thought this season would be extremely difficult, but I have felt Bill with me almost every day these last several days, and he says to me, “It’s okay, I’m okay, and you’re going to be okay; it is the way it’s supposed to be.” There was even a moment when I was taking a shower when I remembered him walking in on me and joining me. Made me giggle as he seemed so close like he was doing it again. Gives me great comfort.”

Then there is fellow Canadian Jacquie, an online friend who I had the absolute pleasure of meeting this year. Jacquie is a special needs mom like me. Her younger son is adopted. Jacquie’s highlight was going to an adoption conference and learning that she is not “a bad and crazy mother”. I could have told her that for free, but you know… Adoption is not easy – as an adoptee I can testify to how challenging it was for my mom as I was growing up – and it gave Jacquie great comfort to know that she is not alone.

Kane used to live in Michigan, where there is lots of snow. This year, he moved to Texas, where there is – well – not a lot of snow. His reason for moving? To be with the love of his life. He says, “This is the most awesome I have ever been.”

Tawnya, another fellow Canuck who has been a great source of friendship and support this year, didn’t have a great year. Her husband contracted a very serious lung infection – so serious that doctors told her to call family members. She received overwhelming support from family and friends during a very scary time, and her husband survived.

Finally, my crazy New Zealander friend Karyn (whose initiation as a runner I totally take credit for) shares another story of survival. Her father-in-law had Stage Four bowel cancer. Anyone who knows anything about cancer will know that this is not good. But he got the all-clear, proving that sometimes, miracles do happen.

I am truly grateful to the people mentioned in this post for sharing their stories, and for giving us a slice of happiness to take with us into 2014. I wish the best of years to every single person reading this. If you have your own gem from the last year to share, please do so in the comments!

This is an original post by Kirsten Doyle, with input from some pretty awesome people. Photo credit: jenny downing. This picture has a creative commons attribution license.